Clarity

This morning I woke up, confused as to why I was up so early, “What am I supposed to be doing today?”  “Why is it so dark out?”  Since I didn’t know, I went back to sleep.  6am my second alarm went off and when I looked at my phone it said, “GET UP AND RUN!!!”  Oh that’s right it’s day one of my training plan…already I wanted to quit.  I got up anyway and decided I was going to run on the treadmill, it was too dark.  As I brushed my teeth I remembered the text I received yesterday letting me know that I got the job I applied for and that I would be getting a call from HR soon.  I immediately felt excited again and then as I put on my running gear thought about how I’d tell the clinical director at work.  She’s no longer my direct supervisor but out of courtesy since my direct supervisor is on vacation, I thought it would be the right thing to do.  I got on my treadmill and started the belt, warm up at 6.0.  As I ran I thought about the blessings that I have and have taken for granted.  I was so caught up on the negativity of my job and trying to force myself to be happy there and to feel content, but I wasn’t I forgot about the blessings I did have.  In fact it was like I was leading a double life because I was thinking negative all the time but on he outside I was showing something completely different.  I was and maybe still am to some degree lacking integrity.  I began to thank God for the suffering.  I remembered Romans 5:3-4, Rejoice in your suffering. For suffering brings endurance, and endurance builds character, and character brings hope.  I had been so focused on what I wasn’t able to do.  “I’m not good enough.”  “I’m stuck here.” “I can never find another job in my field because I’m not licensed.”  All the stupid insecurities that I carry around with me.  What I did learn is that by managing through this difficult time in my life of working full time, keeping up with my family, dealing with pleasing others (by doing what I thought they wanted me to do but not quite cutting it), and trying to display that I had it together, was that it was ok if I couldn’t handle it all.  Who am/was I trying to please anyway?  Certainly not myself!  I’m miserable (but slowly learning and healing)!

Oh man as I looked down at the time I was running I had increased my speed and my incline.  I’d only set out for 3 miles today (day one of training plan) and it had flown by!  During the last mile I decided to run at 7.0 and as I ran faster I continued to think about what I’m taking with me to the new job, which is part time and will allow me time with my family.  I realized that I have choice and I am making the choice to do what makes me happy regardless of what others think or how I might be judged.  I was on the final stretch and I increased the belt to 7.5.  Even though I was on a treadmill, I managed to have a great run, with intensity.

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