One week down

First week of marathon training and let’s see, I’m really tired, stressed, over worked, looking forward to a embarking on something new in the next few weeks, and feeling in between emotionally.  It’s hard to explain it.  On Tuesday I ran my 3 miles on a treadmill, Wednesday I was supposed to run 3 and completely bailed, Thursday I got up and ran 3 with my dog Hawkeye, and today Friday, is a rest day, but I need to make up for the missed run on Wednesday.  I have to work early today so I’m running it this afternoon.  Not to mention it is cold and windy this morning.  I’m not a cold weather runner.  fall, summer, and spring yes, but winter…it takes a lot out of me.  It’s funny because I know that missing a short run in the beginning won’t affect me and it’s not a big deal but it has alot to do with my own guilt.  Guilt is the worse feeling, letting myself down is the worst of them all.  Yesterday I told the clinical director that I got a new job.  She was stoic of course, didn’t really give me the response that I wanted or needed? But who cares, it made it that much easier to tell her.  I even went as far as to let myself get a little emotional, not because I felt guilty for leaving the job, heck no!  Because I wanted something from her, anything, “We’re really going to miss you.”  “Thank you for what you have given to the agency.”  Something to show some kind of appreciation for the hard work I have done, but there was nothing.  So as I was showing some emotion I told her, it’s going to be hard to say good bye to people here, especially and I named a few people.  I didn’t tell her I’d miss her, I did thank her for giving me the opportunity to work there but that was very general.  Last year when I was training for The Cow Town Half Marathon I remember running and searching for approval, acceptance, for something to show I was “good enough.”  Running turned into my way of showing myself that I am worth it and I am good enough.  Despite the stress from a difficult work environment I was still able to run and meet my goals.  I’m looking forward to going in today, it’s a half day.  Then I get to go to the new job location, pick up some HR paperwork, drop off some forms, and get this background check underway so I can start over there by the end of November.  I’m looking forward to more time with my family and to focus on me and my spiritual growth and journey.

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